Wednesday, October 15, 2014


When we lose someone we love sometimes it's hard to understand why. I thought about this poignantly when Joan Rivers passed away. I thought to myself how hard it must be when you lose a parent you love so much.  That was a Thursday, my father died on Friday.

I was shocked. I was hurt. Here I was thrown into grief and not really knowing how to deal with it.  I usually find myself on the other side, giving hugs, condolences, and tuna casseroles. But here I am dealing with emotions that volley between sadness and anger. I heard myself saying why, why, why, literally becoming a broken record of grief.  I cried for all the times we had, and the times we didn't.
The finality of his death hasn't really hit me yet. I keep replaying our conversation over lunch about his upcoming retirement, and spending more time with his granddaughter. What saddens me the most is that for her memories of her "Pepaw" will consist of family stories and well-worn photos. 
There was a time for a few years when we didn't speak, me caught up in my “absentee dad” history and him with his guilt.  
As I got older I realized how much I missed him, and when we reconnected we were stronger than ever.  He was present for every event, every party, and the first person to visit me at the hospital after my daughter was born.

As I deal with the loss of my father I find that it is my two year old who has taught me the best lessons on handling grief.  It is she who saves me from sadness with her frequent dance party requests. Times I want to lay down she pulls me up, wanting me to read Green Eggs and Ham...again. And when we're on the couch watching “Finding Nemo”for the millionth time, she hugs me close and I hug her back, hard. 

Because one day it won't hurt so much and while we wait we must be like Nemo himself, and just keep swimming.



  1. Keep Swimming and remember the good times you did have. Look on the positive light he played in your life.

  2. Warm hugs and prayers for you Caprece. It's so amazing how your baby can be your rock, your strength and your comfort! She will always hug you tight and pull you up. They do for us exactly what we do for them :)

    1. Thank you so MJ, they are indeed our little angels. :)

  3. aww damn, now you have me at work about to start crying! Hugs to you!! This was a great post!


  4. Isn't amazing what these little beings can do for us? My daughter was 9 months when my Father passed, and I was away when it happened. My mom and my dad were keeping her while we were away. The only thing that kept my mind off of his passing was her keeping me busy. Kids are wonderful tools for healing.

    1. Aren't they? Just her hugs are instantly calming. Being a mom is hard work, but it's been the best thing that I've ever had.



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