Thursday, July 24, 2014


As a mom I find myself repeating a lot the same phrases.  Things that I never thought I'd hear myself saying are now a part of my daily dialogue. They may sound absurd to other people, but to moms they make perfect since. Here are 7 phrases I can't believe I say since becoming a mom:

1) What is this life!!!!

I find myself yelling this in a Woody Allen type voice, usually after some small catastrophe like baby powder falling everywhere.

2) Where is my.....?

Insert keys, wallet, and bra. I put it down an instantly forget where it's at, and when it comes to finding it no place is off limits, including the fridge...

3) Walk it off

They will bruise, scrap, and sometimes break. Anytime they are less than vertical your heart leaps into your throat. I have to catch myself from going hysterical any time she falls, so as long as she's okay.....walk it off.

4) Please don't eat the crayons

They won't eat veggies, but they're curious about what those crayons taste like?

5) Sit down please!

All day long I'm like "sit down" "sit down" I'm like the James Brown of motherhood. Appropriately this statement is usually followed by #3 on the list (See: Walk it off)

6) What is that smell?

You love them, they're cute, but my goodness those poopy pampers are smelly!! Want to end a hostage situation swiftly? Toss in a poopy pamper. World. Peace.

7) I think I'm going crazy...

Finally, you may find yourself uttering this last one multiples times a day. Like recently when I poured water in my hand thinking it was lotion. You're not crazy, you're a mom.  
Which can make you a little crazy, but that's totally normal.


Friday, July 11, 2014


 "A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
Jerry Seinfeld

When my daughter turned two I jumped for joy.  Milestones are like parent drugs, we need them, we love them, and we can't get enough.  Our celebration included cupcakes, she had 1 I had 11 (it's my "birth “day too!!), and Doc McStuffins reruns.

When you meet the parents of other two year olds there's a wide eyed, weary bonding thing that happens.  You understand the sleep deprivation, the mini tantrums, and the "please God get down from there before you break something!!!" stage of toddler life.  We know it will pass; soon they will be teenagers who sleep late and think everything we do is annoying.  Thinking fondly of the revenge I'll get when the time comes here are 10 things I'm planning to do when my daughter becomes a teenager:

I'm going to wake her up in the middle of the night and ask for coffee.

I'm going to wake her up on Saturdays at 4:45am and ask for coffee.

I'm going to ask her for cookies, and when she says she doesn't have any cookies, ask her again.

I'm going to make her watch the same episode of Grey's anatomy over and over again; you know the one when George died?

I'm going to teach her how to cook, have her make dinner, take one bite then spit it out and ask for cookies.

I'm going to make her read me my favorite bed time story over and over. Who doesn't like War and Peace?

I'm going to wake her up at 3am, and make her watch TV Land till I fall asleep in her lap. Oh but first I'll want cookies.

I'm going to go shopping with her, pull down all the clothes on hangers while dancing to Beyonce classics in the aisles.

I'm going to have her make me breakfast, then smear oatmeal all over the table while laughing hysterically.

Finally, I'm going to climb into her bed while she sleeps, curl into a ball, rest my foot on her face, and sleep like a baby.

I can't wait.

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